Battered A short story featured in Tour |
Suzie managed to peek in the window and observe what the man was doing that morning before the sun was fully up. Spur had awakened the man, his raucous voice penetrating into every nook of the farm, alerting everyone that another day of travesty was about to begin. She saw the man devour his breakfast and turned away in disgust. Then it became a scary, breathless game of eluding Spur long enough so that his attention was drawn to another. She succeeded by running along the inside edge of the trough against the fence, avoiding notice. Spur became interested in Marcy and had climbed on her tail to the exclusion of all other supplicants. Suzie had no desire to watch. In fact, desire, once her sole reason for existence, had lately taken on a much less savory role. The distance between her position and the nursery was short. She could make it unobserved if Clamp was not up and about, the man's mangy yard hound. She didn't want to risk Clamp if it was at all possible because the dog always found a way to nip her tail. And Spur, normally protective of favored hens, had become less inclined to squawk at Clamp in the recent past. Something had changed, but she couldn't figure out what it was. Suzie decided to risk it, running at full speed across the bare ground in a zig zag pattern, just in case. Sure enough, Clamp saw her and came speedily in pursuit. The nursery portal was too small for his bulk. She had only to reach the ramp and sink her claws into its secure, wooden path. Then she would be safe. It was a near thing, but she leaped for the portal just as her tormentor's jaws snapped in the air. Her entrance to the nursery occasioned acid comments from the nesters who looked at her with unfeigned distaste and hostility. "Oh, Suzie's back, as if that mattered," said one. "The nerve," said another. "Thinks she has a contribution, she does." "Ladies, don't be ungracious," spoke a third. "She was a princess, once. How cruel to insinuate that her feathers no longer attract." Suzie tried to ignore them, though the remarks hurt her deeply. She tried a desperate waddle of indifference as she sidled into the feed bin, pretending the others were beneath her notice. Just as she entered the feeder, she heard another snide rebuke. "Not long for the nest, I'm afraid. She's becoming useless." That really cut into her gizzard. Suzie thought to assuage those harsh opinions with juicy niblets, but all the good ones had been eaten. The only ones left were the hard, brittle rejects abandoned by the nesters. It was a bleak meal but, in spite of her dissatisfaction, a private cherished one. Then, with her crop full and a wall between herself and the unappreciative nesters, she opted for a resting peg in the corner, wrapping her talons tightly around its scarred wooden frame. There was a familiar, round, black object on the opposite wall, one she had witnessed many times. As before, she dreamed about it, what it might be, how she could make use of it, how it might help her out of her predicament. Before too much time elapsed, she snoozed and let her unconscious thoughts address the blackness. "When will you ever answer me, black seed?" she asked. There was a scratchy reply this time, a voice on the edge of understanding. If only she could hear its words and make sense of them. It would be nice to converse with another, even if the companion was temporary. But then, a rusty semblance of a word seemed to penetrate her wish with a sound she recognized. It was talking at last, speaking to her. "Ah, Suzie," replied the black seed. "You have come for an explanation. Perhaps it is time. You may ask your questions." "Wh-why is everything so horrible now? It was wonderful for a long time. Now, it's much worse. Why is this so?" "Nothing lasts forever. You should know that. Haven't you seen other hens grow old and disappear?" "Is that it? Have I grown old?" "No longer a spring chicken, I'm afraid. But you have little to complain about. Haven't you had what you wanted? Weren't you a splendid concubine for a time? Did not Spur favor you, causing jealousy amongst your peers? That's what it says here in the records, you know. You've been given everything you were due." "Due? What does that mean?" "What you earned, Suzie, just like your sister nesters. It's all right here in the book." "I don't understand. Please explain." "Your life force, Suzie. It's as plain as a niblet. Every lesson to be learned, every reward to be meted out, all clear as a sharp beak. Not much left for you in the rookery, my dear." "It doesn't make sense to me. Like the children, for instance. Why was I made to produce so many eggs when nary a chick has survived? And for that man to eat them. It was horrible. Answer me that." "That was precisely the karma you requested, because of your actions in the previous existence. Don't you remember? Think back." "I can't. What existence?" "You were a man's companion, a partner, a woman. You took oaths to serve him, recall? He also called you Suzie and loved you." "I don't see him at all." "He was real. If not, you wouldn't be here ... cashing in your payment." "What payment?" "Everything is cause and effect. That is how the universe, life, works. Whatever you do in one life must be weighed and calculated in the next. Sometimes, in cases like yours, it takes several incarnations if the tab is set high." "I'm not getting this at all." "I understand. There is a built in blockage messing with your comprehension. That's why you'll have to keep coming back as a hen, until you see the significance." "Keep coming back? Doing this thing again?" "Absolutely. You never learned what it was to be a woman. Those lessons must be made secure before you can go on to a higher level. Understand?" "No, I don't." "I suppose that's to be expected. I can tell you part of it, but really, you need to see this for yourself. Do you remember Henry, your husband in the last life?" "Not really." "That is because you never considered the importance of love. You never believed in it, never chanced to give it your faith, not the way he did. He has moved on, you know, while you are doomed to repeat this business until you get it." "What? Why?" 'You broke your oaths. You lied to him from the moment you made his acquaintance, never once giving his love a chance to blossom in your own heart. You didn't want him really. You were after his money and when that wasn't enough, it made no difference to you how you hurt him. First it was clothes, then jewelry. All those other men, thrown in his face. The diseases you contracted, the ones that killed two of your children and poisoned Henry, counted heavily against you. Yet he went on and raised one of your children after you abandoned the family. Stephen became a much beloved teacher, did you know that?" "Stephen, my son? I seem to recollect something." "But nothing of you ever became a part of his life. You should have been an inspiration. Instead, you were a gladly forgotten bad memory. Not so for Henry. He loved you in spite of everything. He died, still loving you, forgiving the terrible things you did to him." "Yes, I was ... very bad. It's coming back. Are you saying that I am being made to suffer for my ... behavior?" "Ah. A breakthrough. The beginnings of wisdom." "There was a boarding house ... a place for ... wayward business." "You became a whore, a diseased prostitute spaced out on alcohol and drugs, the wages of earthly wrongdoing. There is a word for it, sin." "I called out for help. I remember doing that." "Not exactly. You allowed a priest from the Catholic Church to sample your body, while at the same time you begged for forgiveness. Ironic, isn't it? Do you still believe that G-d would impregnate a woman for such a purpose? Your chit was full up not long after that when you died. Then, you took a look at yourself and your missed opportunities and decided to come here." "I decided?" "That's the way of it. We don't force the issue. You do. Your soul did." "You mean, I brought this upon myself? I accepted this?" "Oh yes. The egg trauma, the teasing by your fellow nesters, Spur, even Clamp. All are a part of your specifications. Even your future beheading. The breeding part is over. Now you're a fryer." "How many times must I endure this?" "Until you can bring yourself to love someone. It's up to you, actually." "What if I said I am ready now, that I don't need to lose my head over it?" "Clever, but that's the old Suzie's reasoning. You still have to pay for the lives you destroyed, not to mention Henry's unreturned feelings." "What are we talking about, from the technical end?" "Oh, let's see. Two children. That will cost you four incarnations winding up as a headless chicken, none of whose eggs can survive. Now Henry, that's a bit more expensive. Considering your prior nastiness, I don't see how you can avoid a dozen sessions with Spur and others like him." "That many?" "I'm afraid you insisted. Your soul was quite adamant about it." "And this life?" "The first and about to end. The farmer has finished breakfast. Even now he is looking for the axe, waiting for you to make an appearance. But look at it from the positive side, only fifteen more trips to make. That's encouraging, isn't it?" "Not very. Is there no way out?" "Not unless you can defeat the logic of your own soul. You were the judge. There is no appeal. The laws of karma are strict. Now that is about all I can tell you." "Wait! How about mercy? Isn't there a chance that way?" "That's the church nonsense again. There is no religion in reality, only misguided fantasy. All of those high-sounding words are whimsy, not a fact for you to cling upon. Look, we've had a good talk and you've learned what it's all about. Time to wake up." "Just one more question, please. Then it will all make sense. Have I done this before? I mean, is this the first time?" "Oh, you've been around since the beginning, Suzie. You've made a great deal of progress in the past. One of your best incarnations was as a man. You were a doctor then and saved many lives. You actually began to accumulate karmic bonuses in that life, but this last one did you in. It happens, switching sexual orientations. Some folk never get it right. You have to experience both to get the benefits. Too bad, the dropping off, but I feel you can eventually succeed. You have a very determined soul. It's just that, whenever you go into the flesh, you tend to forget the reasons for existence and make foolish experiments. I find myself hoping you can put it past yourself." "Don't go. Please. I want to ask you about Henry. Where is he? Can I make it up to him. And Stephen. I can be good." There was no reply. The mute seed was deafening. "Are you there? I see it all, now. I remember everything. Yes, I was terrible, the worst wife a woman could be. Tell me I can be saved. Tell me that it wasn't for nothing, that I can overcome the stupidity. Give me some hope. Answer me ..." Suzie awoke with a catch in her throat to the accompaniment of metal being honed nearby. The black seed stared at her from the opposite wall, silent and omnipotent, alone and helpless to assist her. She tried to think again about her dream, but it faded away. By the time she stepped outside in the yard, nothing of her dream could be remembered. W. A. Rieser |
